For a long time, I believed people just didn’t keep their agreements.
I would ask for something, they’d say yes, and then they’d let me down. Over and over.
I felt frustrated, disappointed—like I couldn’t count on anyone.
Then I had a moment of clarity:
The agreements I thought I had? They were never real.
Because there was no room for a “no.”
I wanted things so badly, with such deep intensity, that my “agreements” weren’t agreements at all.
They were pressured dictums—disguised as choices.
I wasn’t saying, “Do you want to agree to this?”
I was saying, “Here’s what you’re going to do.”
And if someone doesn’t have the option to say no, then it was never an agreement—it was disguised control.
And that kind of control? It doesn’t disappear. It builds resentment.
The Story of Secret Sacrifices
A colleague once sent her parents to me for discernment counseling—to find out whether they should save their marriage or get divorced.
The wife, an elegant woman in her mid-60s, shared what she believed went wrong in their marriage.
She looked at her husband and said:
“I left my teaching job because you wanted me to stay home with the kids.”
I saw the shock on his face.
He let her finish before quietly responding:
“I never asked you to stay home.”
She paused. Then admitted,
“I know you didn’t say it directly, but…”
Then she listed five or six moments—comments he had made, circumstances that made staying home seem like the right choice, little hints she had picked up over the years.
A reasonable man, he nodded and said:
“Yes, I remember those things. And yes, it WAS easier for me that you stayed home. But… we never actually agreed to this.”
And this is how secret sacrifices become hidden resentment landmines.
Imagine this couple in their early years:
- She’s at home, frustrated about leaving her job.
- He comes home, oblivious—moving a glass from one table to another.
- She snaps at him. He has no idea why.
- And resentment grows.
Because an unspoken expectation is not an agreement.
And if a choice is made without a real agreement, it eventually feels like a sacrifice.
And sacrifices unspoken turn into landmines.
The Hidden Trap of Expectations
You assume.
They don’t follow through.
You feel let down.
Expectations are smug inventions that live in your head. They feel obvious to you, but unless they’re spoken and agreed upon (without duress), they’re just assumptions.
And when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, you don’t just feel disappointed—you feel betrayed.
But they never broke a promise.
Because they never made one.
Agreements Require the Capacity to Hear “No”
This was a hard lesson for me. If I truly wanted an agreement, I had to be able to hear any answer.
That means:
✔️ You can believe in your right to ask for whatever you want…
✔️ …as long as you also believe in the other person’s right to say no.
Because most of us secretly know when we’re genuinely making an agreement vs. when we’re just hoping to manipulate someone into doing what we want.
It’s important to ask ourselves:
📌 Am I really asking, or am I trying to control the answer?
📌 Am I prepared to hear no?
📌 Do I want an agreement—or just compliance?
Expectations Make You Feel Powerless. Agreements Give You Control.
If you rely on expectations, you’re constantly waiting on other people to do what you think they should.
If you rely on agreements, you take responsibility for making things clear—instead of hoping they’ll just get it.
🔹 Expectations = “I thought you would…” (but you never asked).
🔹 Agreements = “Can we agree on this?” (now there’s clarity).
How to Make the Shift Today
If you’re tired of feeling disappointed, start replacing expectations with clear agreements:
📌 Step 1: Say it out loud. Stop assuming, they just know.
📌 Step 2: Make it clear. No vague “I thought you would…”
📌 Step 3: Get their agreement. If they don’t agree, it was never real.
Coming Up Next:
Next week, we’ll talk about one of the biggest mistakes people make in love—confusing love with a relationship.
💌 Part 2: Love vs. Relationships—Why Unconditional Love Won’t Save Your Relationship (and What Actually Will)
👉 Join the Wise Loving Tribe to learn how to create relationships that truly work.