Why Holidays Can Feel More Stressful Than Joyful
Creating joy in holidays isn’t about doing more but being present. No matter how excited you are about the holidays or your vacation, and how beautiful your intentions are, being aware of these 3 common Joy Kills will help you feel more in control of your emotions during the holidays instead of being a victim of your emotions controlling you.
Joy Killer #1: Expectations Without Agreements
Expectations without Agreements are a perfect recipe for misunderstanding, disagreements, confusion, and chaos.
Julie didn’t mind doing the bulk of the work. She wanted John to slow down and show her tenderness. A random hug or kiss, holding her from behind, or dancing to their favorite tune would remind her why she did it all.
Instead, John felt useless and confused. He felt guilty and nervous because Julie did what he wasn’t good at. To disconnect from that feeling, he ended up disconnecting from Julie. She saw it as aloofness and neglect.
Julie began over-managing him, but nothing he did was enough. She wanted him to be loving and attentive. This usually came naturally to him. She needed his affection to remember why she was doing so much.
It’s lazy not to slow down and become clear on your own expectations and it’s irresponsible not to talk to your loved ones to create agreements to support those expectations.
Most of us don’t know how to make agreements and confuse giving orders with making agreements. Watch this 3 min video to differentiate a dictum from an agreement.
Joy Killer #2: Doing More Than Being
Doing more than Being is what most of us are programmed for. If I do this, create that, buy this, or make that, then, . . . I’ll feel good, fulfilled, happy, loved, complete, etc.
We know what it feels like to be so blinded by ‘what’ we want to create that we end up losing the ‘why’ – the reason we wanted what we wanted – the person, the experience, the situation that we wanted all along.
Joy Killer #3: Perfectionism and Its Illusions
When we insist on seeing people and situations from the lens of perfectionism we can’t see ourselves or others as humans, we can only see them as the imaginary illusion we have slapped together.
We would rather soothe our anxiety about the fact that the ones we love aren’t perfect than relish in the beauty of who the ones we love really are.
It’s not that we don’t love these people or care about creating real moments of love, it’s just that in that moment, our anxiety of ‘things not being perfect’ is greater than our clarity that an optical illusion can’t give us the depth of experience that will quench our desire for connection and love.