For years, I didn’t see it.
I thought if I could just explain better—if they could just understand my side—everything would shift.
But it never worked.
Instead, I’d walk away exhausted, frustrated, replaying the conversation in my head—like something had been taken from me.
And the worst part?
I didn’t even know why I felt so drained.
💡 What I didn’t realize was this:
Whenever someone pulled me into their emotional storm, my own Control Drama activated in response.
I was matching their energy instead of choosing my own.
And the more I engaged, the more drained I became.
or emotionally unsafe.
It’s a habit we pick up in childhood—watching how the people around us manipulated attention, control, and emotional resources to feel okay.
And we all have one.
💡 The Problem?
Control Dramas don’t give us real energy—they steal it.
Instead of sourcing energy from within, we pull energy from others.
And when two people engage in Control Dramas, they create an energetic deficit—draining each other while trying to “win.”
Energetic Banking: Are You Losing Energy in Conversations?
(Adapted from Carolyn Myss’ work on Energetic Banking)
Every interaction is an energy exchange:
✔ A deposit (gaining energy, clarity, peace)
❌ A withdrawal (losing energy, feeling drained, exhausted, resentful)
💳 Control Dramas = emotional debt.
Think of it like swiping a credit card with no intention to pay it back.
🚫 The more you argue, defend, and explain, the more debt you take on.
|
CONTROL DRAMA |
BEHAVIOR PATTERNS |
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE |
HOW IT DRAINS ENERGY |
| Intimidator | Uses fear, criticism, anger, aggression, yelling, blaming, breaking things. | “You never do anything right. This is your fault!” | Steals energy by making others feel small, afraid, or guilty. |
| Interrogator | Controls through questioning, intellectualizing, deflecting, arguing, using information to soothe. | “Why did you do it that way? You should have known better.” | Drains energy by making others feel defensive or inadequate. |
| Aloof | Withdraws, ignores, denies, distracts, becomes too busy to feel, neglects. | “I don’t want to talk about it.” (silent treatment, avoidance) | Depletes energy by forcing others to chase engagement. |
| Poor Me | Over-responsible for others, under-responsible for self, victim/martyr mentality, blames others, complains. | “I do everything for everyone, and no one appreciates me.” | Pulls energy by making others feel guilty or obligat |
💡 Do any of these sound familiar?
Maybe one reminds you of your parents.
Maybe one sounds a little too close to home.
Control Dramas don’t exist in isolation—they create perfect matches for each other.
🔹 The Interrogator (who demands answers and control) will unconsciously attract the Aloof (who avoids and withdraws).
🔹 The Intimidator (who blames, criticizes, and dominates) will draw in the
Poor Me (who collapses into victimhood).
And the more one person settles into their role, the more the other person’s complementary Control Drama activates in response.
💡 Unless one person becomes aware of this invisible game, they will unknowingly get pulled into the matching Control Drama.
How to Break Free: The 4-Step Process
💡 If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling depleted, resentful, or like something was missing—it’s because Control Dramas were running the show.
Here’s how to shift out of them and reclaim your energy:
1️⃣ PAUSE – Recalibrate Your Energy
✔ Take a deep breath.
✔ Get centered before you react.
✔ Notice how you feel without rushing to fix it.
🔹 Why? Because when you pause, you create space for clarity instead of reacting from your conditioned patterns.
2️⃣ DON’T ARGUE. DON’T DEFEND.
🚫 Don’t argue.
🚫 Don’t defend.
💡 The moment you do, you’ve been reeled in.
The drama continues, energy drains, and you walk away feeling worse.
🔹 What to do instead? Step back.
You don’t have to prove yourself.
You don’t have to convince them.
Your power is in choosing where to place your energy.
3️⃣ CALL OUT YOUR OWN CONTROL DRAMA (Internally)
💡 Control Dramas lose their power when you bring them into the light.
This isn’t about saying to someone, “You’re in your Control Drama.”
This is about recognizing your own Control Drama is being activated.
Ask yourself:
✔ “What pattern am I slipping into?”
✔ “Am I falling into my old habit of reacting, defending, or proving?”
✔ “This is a Control Drama. I don’t have to play.”
🔹 When you see it in yourself, you stop fueling it.
4️⃣ CHOOSE A CENTERED RESPONSE (Instead of Reacting, Choose Who You Want to Be)
💡 Ask yourself:
“What do I want to feel at the end of this conversation?”
🔹 Put that pin in your emotional GPS and start shifting yourself toward it.
🔹 Your response should honor what you want to experience.
✨ Instead of matching their energy, hold your own.
✨ Instead of reacting, respond with clarity and self-trust.
✨ Instead of proving your point, choose emotional sovereignty.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—
to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
— Viktor Frankl
📌 You can’t control what happens to you, but you can always choose how you respond.
Final Thought
Every time you do this, you make an energy deposit instead of an energy withdrawal.
✔ You stop giving power to Control Dramas.
✔ You stop feeding old patterns.
✔ You reclaim your ability to lead your own experience.
👉 What would change for you if you did this just 5% more often?
Ready to Stop Feeling Drained & Start Feeling in Control?
If you’re ready to break free from these exhausting cycles and create relationships that bring you clarity, confidence, and connection, here’s how I can help:
💛 Join the Wise Loving Tribe – A supportive community where we dive deep into emotional mastery, communication, and healing.
📚 The School for Transformational Healing – A life-changing 5-week journey designed to help you break old patterns and build the relationship (and life) you never thought possible.
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